Happy as hell right now

Very long time, no writing. I don’t know if it’s the weather, the light medication I take, or what, but I am super happy. I currently work at Goodyear as a GMT2 and I love it here! I’m respected and actually get to do work. I just finished link pins on a VW and about to do a bearing on something else. I have 2000 bucks worth of tools and kick ass. James and I are doing well in our new house. I can’t believe it’s been over a year already since we bought the place. Overall, I’m happy and living life. We saw Bowling for Soup last summer and I wanna see 3rd Eye Blind and Creed this year. I’m a pretty woman and a bad ass one too, and it’s perfect!

Sean McDermott sucks balls

Gd i hate Sean McDermott. The whole media interview today he constantly keeps saying, “I’m the head coach of the team” and basically that they needed to fire Dorsey to make the team better, they needed “change”, he’s the head coach and accountability falls to him first…

THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL EMPLOYED BY THIS FUCKING TEAM!?

If he’s the head coach, as he seems to love to wave his dick about, do your fucking job and get this team on track. 13 seconds, Mac Jones, almost losing to Tyrod Taylor, almost losing to the Bucs if Evans sees the ball, honestly should be 3-7 and that’s more what they play like anyway!!!

McDermott wants to wave his dick around like he’s some badass and fire people for “failing” yet he’s the boss of the whole company! Dorsey AND Frazier were both here in 2022 when we went 13-3.

He’s the crappy manager who drives a Ram Hemi, is overweight but thinks he’s strong because he goes to Planet Fitness, has a fatter wife, 2 dumb kids, but has a nice house because he sponges off his employees until they quit or he fires them for cheaper less qualified employees. Then corporate wonders why the place sucks and he fires someone to save his own ass.

Black desert online is a bad game with a haughty community

Uninstalled after today (day 2). I really wanted to like this game but I hate it and find no enjoyment in it. It looks great and the combat is ok once you map a controller to actually do what the hell you want but there’s too many flaws that are off putting.

1) the camera sucks. I figured it’d play like dynasty warriors but the camera is a first person camera but you play in 3rd. It’s too disorienting and one boss fight frigging grass kept zooming in my face but I’m looking straight. the camera is depolarable. walk around some stairs? be prepared to see where you want to go but as you turn boom camera goes dick first into the wall.

2) the animations are clunky as all hell. takes 5 seconds to jump a wall and she jumps like a fat white girl. the autopathing sucks and you’ll be looking down thinking you’re at the destination only to be face planted in the wall like you’re in timeout. you also get stuck on the few rocks, trees, and shit strewn around. if you fail catching a horse she does an “aww shucks” animation that lasts 10 seconds. bosses move randomly, pause, stutter, don’t engage you. the horses run back and forth on crack and fade in and out. the npcs do 3 frames at 30 fps looking like a PowerPoint presentation.

3) bosses make no sense, don’t engage right, move totally randomly but make up for it in the same stupid aoe mechanics that nuke half the map. I got no satisfaction or sense of engagement fighting them. the camera just pissed me off more

4) there’s no story after you wake up. I hate everyone in velia and heidel. who am I and why is this makeup applicator with teeth following me?

5) the discord community is a bunch of dicks who don’t help when you ask a polite question. sorry I’m new. when did gaming communities become a bunch of twats? it’s all star trek facefalm big mouth person ‘you didn’t do it right’ ok? explain then. I’m 37 maybe gaming is too immature for me.

Observations+commentary of 8/23 republican debate

I watched the debate through and took some notes that stood out to me regarding the candidates. I’m a registered Independent. It’s clear the only major runners are Vivek, Haley, Christie, and DeSantis, though Pence did talk a bit. The others were totally forgettable and I have no notes on them at all.

Let us dive in with the quietest candidate who still had some substance and that was Pence. He basically said he upheld the constitution on Jan 6th, it’s up to the American people to decide guilt, he won’t support Trump, that he has foreign policy experience, and a lot about the Bible and Jesus Christ the Almighty savior.

Honestly, I felt DeSantis didn’t use the debate to do anything for his poll numbers which are dropping. He talked loud, avoided questions, wants to fight “woke” without actually using the word and thank G-d because I’m sick of hearing that stupid buzzword. The biggest take away from him is that he won’t support Ukraine because, “we’re giving them money”, which is true to an extent but it’s not free money by any stretch of the imagination. The money to Ukraine is loans much like lend-lease was. So he won’t support Ukraine but literally wants to “shoot cartel members dead” and would send US Special Forces into another country to blow up labs and kill drug cartel members for “American security”. How he doesn’t understand that Ukraine-Russia also threatens American security and that the US Government can’t just invade another country without congressional approval is beyond me.

Chris Christie had a little more spark to me than Pence or DeSantis. He attacked Vivek pretty heavily and for good reason. He won’t support Trump either basically saying something along the lines of, “he wanted to suspend the constitution and it’s your job to uphold it.” He basically said that if Trump is found guilty then he’s found guilty but doesn’t want the Democratic Party or whoever is in power to jail political opponents for the hell of it.

Next up we have the loudmouth of the debate, Vivek Whogivesashitwontbenominee. I absolutely hated this guy. He’s 38, like me, and some IT entrepreneur arrogant prick yet is an absolute moron. For one, the GOP would hardly endorse this guy considering the GOP is a more grassroots blue collar party and secondly, he just comes across as an entitled edge-lord troll masquerading as a Republican. He sounds like he read Ayn Rand over and over and wants to watch the world burn. Chris Christie even called him ChatGPT (and most on Reddit are calling him ChatGOP). He supports Trump regardless of if he’s convicted and Christie pointed out Vivek’s flip, “That’s not what your book says, I read it.” It was a great jab. He adamantly states climate change is a “hoax” when the question was more along the lines of, “are humans affecting the climate?” His solution to help the economy is burn coal, build more nuclear plants, frack, and drill more oil. He sounds like he’s taken a play out of Lauren Boebert’s playbook. Few millennials and I would gather zero Gen-Z moderates will be voting for him and after all, it’s the Independents who swing elections! Vivek wants to end funding to Ukraine stating that China is helping Russia and that the two of them are the biggest threat to the world. That statement makes zero sense considering by supporting Ukraine we are driving a wedge between their cooperation in the first place! China has been on the fence for the most part waiting to see how it all shakes out and if the US just stops then we look pathetic and congrats China has a new trade partner. Haley called him out on that, “A win for Russia is a win for China!” He also claims that we’re sending military equipment that we could be using which is utter horseshit considering all the stuff we’re sending is older technology. Even the f-16 being sent are unusable by the US, Canada, and Australia because they have too much flight time on them. Haley said it best, “You know nothing of foreign policy and it shows!” He also took a dump on single mothers saying that they, “make more money to not have the father around.” Finally, Vivek concluded with a statement that had me laughing my ass. This guy wants to eliminate like every federal agency including the Department of Education but ended with “The Constitution is what won the American Revolution.” I literally had the “wtf” meme on my face. For one, the closest document to “win the American Revolution” was the Declaration of Independence and that wasn’t adopted until a year into the war. If anything it was the Petition to the King in 1774 that showed solidarity among the revolutionaries which King George replied to bugger off. The Articles of Confederation came prior to the US Constitution! The US Constitution came to be because the Articles of Confederation was a proverbial shit show and the fledgling government knew they needed something better. I hated Vivek, he’s your annoying dude bro at the bar, and there’s no way this fast talking loose cannon should be nominee.

We conclude with Nikki Haley who is the only sane one who understands the problems with the GOP party. Haley believes that humans are affecting the climate and wants to hold China and India responsible with the United States. She cites that Biden’s “Green New Deal” is hurting America by allowing China to manufacture the batteries for the electric cars and increasing their emissions as a result. I totally agree with this sentiment of robbing Peter to pay Paul. It makes America look “good” but hurts the US economy and it’s not doing anything to solve the global issue. She will not support Trump and feels the GOP needs to move in another direction or they will end up losing. She stated, “Most people hate Trump, we cannot have him in the party if we want to win,” and surprisingly she wasn’t booed. She’s a pro-life candidate but when asked if she supported a federal abortion ban, she said something along the lines that there needs to be some sort of compromise if it’s even to be feasible since you need a majority of votes to pass it and you don’t get that with just hardliner Republicans. This retort was met with some ire from the other candidates yet she is absolutely correct on how the government works. She’s pro-democracy and being in control of sovereignty. She even called out Vivek for his complete ignorance of foreign policy, “He wants to hand Ukraine to Russia, he wants to let China eat Taiwan, he wants to go and stop funding Israel,” Haley said. “You don’t do that to friends. What you do instead is you have the backs of your friends.” All in all, I feel Haley has the best grasp on what America needs for the future and I feel she’s the only candidate who can actually reboot the GOP to work with the Democrats to get things done instead of acting like the moody outcasts the party has become because they will surely lose if they continue down the more extreme path these candidates are taking.

I’m trans & Jk Rowling is not transphobic.

With the release of Hogwarts Legacy, all eyes seem to be back on scrutizing Jk Rowling and her supposed transphobic remarks to the degree of people boycotting the game and flaming her on Twitter.

Let me put this bluntly, Jk Rowling is definitely not wrong in her concerns regarding the trans craze that is spreading like a California wildfire across our younger generation.

I began my transition at 30 but that doesn’t make me oblivious to the fact that the blue, purple, and green haired generation younger than myself seem to play with gender and call themselves trans at every whim just because they like skirts or are a tomboy and want to be butch. When I used to go to support group, there were so many young people with a zillion different gender identities. NOT to say there’s anything wrong with expressing yourself, but having gender dysphoria is not expression and dabbling with identity. Gender dysphoria is not a happy and easy to solve feeling and I feel like Rowling is right that KIDS are being brainwashed that their wanting to fit in with this new cult mentality is a CRIPPLING mental illness resulting in teenage girls chopping their breasts off, like a coworkers 16 year old daughter, and boys rendering themselves infertile with estrogen, when I’m sure they’re probably just dealing with puberty angst the same way I was emo and dressed to fit in with that group of kids.

The other main issue Rowling brings up is that women’s spaces need to be protected. I used the men’s room when I was preop until I passed. I got kicked out of the men’s room in Ireland, men were checking the bathroom sign at the airport when I was in there, and when I was washing my hands at a Burger King a guy said “Im sorry is this the women’s room”. Seriously, if you’re some burly dude in a dress with a dick, get out of the women’s room. Your “feelings” do not make you a woman. There is no FEELING of being a woman or man, it’s the crippling BODY disconnect, the physical mismatch that you feel, not some tranvestism. This all might sound gatekeepy but we live in a society and this is to be respectful to others. I feel like I should be richer, but I’m not robbing banks and then expecting the police to coddle my feelings. Your feelings are valid but you still have to follow societal respect for fucks sake. To say otherwise is arrogant, narcissistic, and selfish. Which hell all those mean the same, lol.

So overall, Rowling is not a transphobe, she’s a woman who believes women deserve to be women and not eroded away by men wearing dresses saying they’re women without going through the full changes and on the same coin says that girls should not be pushed into bodily and chemical mutilation to fit in with the trans rage without being heavily counseled first. WPATH standards exist for that but now the woke and with informed consent are making it TOO easy to make such a life altering decision. Rowling is a feminist, plain and simple!

We didn’t say exactly what’s in the kit

I just watched a segment of Tucker tonight and it was on the Democrat’s new plan for public safety. No it’s not safer streets, more policing, or fixing roads ; it’s literally providing a safe place to pick up supplies to do heavy drugs with.

So I curiously read the initial article from the Washington Free Beacon and they visited all these clinics aka drug paraphernalia dens and reported their findings. All of the drug paraphernalia kits included crack pipes, foil, etc!

What I found amazing is that if you Google (the most leftist browser ever) “Biden crack pipes”, there are a ton of articles even one from the Communist News Network stating that the new “do illegal drugs safely act” that the government is paying HHS to run does not mean that people should be getting crack pipes and the kits don’t provide them.

So here we are, “The political attention surrounding the grant program has also sparked debate over what federal funds can and should be used for. ‘It’s kind of a gray area,’ said Matt Sutton, director of public relations for the Drug Policy Alliance, when asked about the legal parameters around harm reduction efforts.”

So yes, the bill doesn’t explicitly say what should be included in the safely using drugs kits, but it certainly does not EXCLUDE it either. This is just another instance of the democrats being vague with their laws so they don’t have to deal with the backlash. “Well herrdurr we didn’t directly say to include the kitchen sink to smoke your crack, we just wanted your safety!”

Summaries of summaries

It has been an absolutely long time since I have typed anything in here. So, no, I’m not dead, in fact, I couldn’t be more alive.

The boob thing turned out to be that I have a fibrouscystic breast or something like that. Basically, my left boob developed regularly but my right boob has fluid pockets and denser tissue connected to the fatty breast tissue. Those were the lumps that I was feeling. There really isn’t anything that can be done to help them other than wear proper bra and then not to wear a bra when I get sore. I have a little metal clip inside my boob now pointing to the area and every mammogram and ultrasound they just make sure that it isn’t growing. So yeah, all of that for nothing.

James and I are doing well. I have settled into “married” life well. We’re not officially married yet but I want to soon. We hang out and do stuff but a lot of the time we enjoy our own time. He watches Tv in his room and I play in my room and I’ll visit now and then. It’s chill and honestly I like it now. If I get frisky I’ll just masturbate anyway. My drive is there but honestly it’s nice to only get that sudden arousal a few times a month. I’m also almost 40 so there’s that too.

I got in a nice car wreck a few months ago and my TL got totalled. I was turning left and a lady ran the light and hit me. So now I have a Juke that I modded up. I was in physical therapy for 2 months because my neck and shoulders were effed.

I’m now assistant manager in training at Dunn Tire. It pays more than Mavis and I actually like my manager a lot and the upper management too. So we’re seeing how I do and might move me to assistant manager but have me more run the sales and shop potion since I have a knack for working and organizing the cars. I have a lot of experience and talent and don’t want it to go to waste so we’ll see how it goes. I told them I’m not going to be a cashier when I have experience.

Mental health wise I am doing well. I’ve been on Paxil for the bipolar and ptsd for a while now, the Lamotragine is my mood stabilizer, and the Perphenazine is for the psychosis like the anger and sometimes weird ocd, talking to myself, and thoughts I get. I’m a mess lol. I guess I’m just wired weird and I’m glad I got help and am living ok. I’m getting chunky due to the surgery so I’ve been trying to eat better but I don’t think I’ll ever be as skinny as I was the day I rolled in. Oh well, as long as I’m healthy. I’ve also been on the nicotine patch for a week (I started smoking once I recovered from GRS) and have only smoked 6 cigarettes in the past 6 days so…I can do this.

Love you all

Joella out!

How’d I get breast cancer.

“Tumor,” the nurse said to the receptionist. The receptionist was lost in her computer screen.

“Why are we scheduling?” The receptionist asked as I stared numbly at my phone calendar.

“Tumor,” the nurse repeated as I read the words on her lips I felt like she shot me. How?

It started around two weeks ago. My right breast felt warm and sore. I thought nothing of it and figured it was something that I did at work as an auto tech. But after a few days, the soreness never subsided. I was playing on my computer in my robe and started feeling the boob. I noticed a lump.

“Honey! Can you feel this?” I asked my fiance James panicked.

“What’s wrong?” He asked concerned.

“Just feel here”, I said standing over him and cupping my boob.

James slowly placed his hand on my breast and used his fingers to feel around. A look of horror crossed his face.

“You feel that?” I asked in shock.

James looked at me stone faced. “What is it?” He asked.

“It’s a lump!” I exclaimed, “you feel it right?”

He slowly shook his head and put his hands on his head, “Yeah but what is it? You need to call your doctor immediately.”

(insert more story)

… Today I had my mammogram and ultrasound. I have 2 tumors. Once in my right boob and one in my right lymph node. I have a biopsy scheduled for this Saturday….

(add more and flash out)

Dreams deserve acknowledgement

I got a new job! Yes yes, I did.

*sings* Nooooo moooore Mavis, No moooore hurting myself, No moooore regional, No moooore dirty hands. Mavis is out for summer! Mavis is out forever!

I’m starting working for Spectrum in a few weeks as an outside sales representative. It sounds super fun. I’ve worked a lot of different jobs in different fields but not like this, so it’ll be a nice change. It sounds like a great company to work for where I’ll actually be able to move up and make a nice salary. But we’ll save that for a different blog.

James’s birthday was Monday and I made him a cake. I felt at peace, like an actual wife. I bought candles and he made a wish. I wonder what it was!?

We went to dinner last night to celebrate and watched the new James Bond movie “No Time to Die”. It was relaxing to watch a movie together that he hasn’t seen. I felt so connected to him like we were being together on a deeper level since he is a huge fan of the series since the 1st movie. We were doing something that HE wanted to for once and I was along for it. To share with his, passion may be too strong a word but something like that.

Bond falls in love with a pretty blonde woman and for once in my life, for once in this journey to be a woman, I wasn’t jealous. I was imagining myself as her and James as James Bond. The love they shared was so deep and passionate. It wasn’t a romantic movie, it’s a Bond flic afterall, but it was well worked in. I even cried at the end and it felt… good. I know it sounds corny or that I am stereotyping women but as I placed myself in her shoes the whole movie with her love for James, I reflected on my own love for my James. The fact that I wasn’t jealous of her beauty speaks volumes for my confidence.

So onto dreams. I am a believer that dreams have some meaning about the subconscious and past lives. I enjoy analyzing ones that stick with me and seem to be telling me something about myself. I am a vivid dreamer. Color, sound, feeling. I even have this ability to know that I am dreaming and can even commentate on those weird abnormalities dreams have.

The dream that stuck with me was about Space which is ironic since I turned on my computer and apparently it’s international space week or something!

According to dreammoods (my go to).

Space represents exploration and independent thought. This might be in relation to my new job since I am my own little business as I sell for Spectrum.

The dream was about going to the moon. An unknown man’s voice, though I believe I called him my father, said going to the moon was impossible. Yet I argued that people already have gone. The moon represents a hidden, mysterious aspect of one’s self. It’s also associated with feminine mystique and intuition. Perhaps my “father” was arguing that I’ll never be able to be my true self as a confident sexy woman.

Saturn was also in my dream. The alternative definition refers to the cycle of life and rebirth. Perfect for someone who transitioned.

Lastly, the sun which symbolizes peace of mind, enlightenment, tranquility, fortune, and good will. I believe this to be my subconscious at peace with new self and that I will be moving to a new job where I am excited to work to be successful instead of making pretty much the same every year.

These symbols made me peaceful. That I am peaceful. That I will be successful. That this new job I’ll be Joella 100%. My name got changed at Mavis.. My surgery was done when I was at Mavis. This new job symbolizes the new me. The fact that I cried and didn’t get jealous. The fact that I reflected on my own relationship. It all leads me to believe that my subconscious is at peace with my female psyche. I feel whole again.